finally time.

well i started this two days ago and then i got frustrated and went to bed. so now i will try to finish. 


life hasn't really calmed down until today. some friends have asked me if we gave up since we hadn't posted in a while but we haven't. i thought about it last week when we were running 3 (which should be easy by now) as tears were slowly hitting my cheeks because i really didn't think it was physically possible for my body to finish. but i think thats what a week of no running and haitian bacteria stomach issues will do to you.  much better now and no we are not and will not quit. 

i have been putting posting off because of haiti. because i dont know how to put any of it into words but i am forced to on here so i will try.  "how was haiti?" has been the question of the past week. and i have been trying to figure out and still am trying to figure it all out. i will never forget it. never forget what i saw, those kids asking for everything on your body, the beauty of the country, the poverty and hunger, but most importantly their smile and joy like i have never seen before, pure joy.  in the kids that we hung out with, in the adults that we passed on the road that never didn't smile, and in the young life leaders there who are daily risking their life for kids to know jesus. i want to love jesus like they do, i want my kids that i have one day to love jesus like they do, i want other people to see how they love jesus, and i want them to want that. i can say confidently that they have more joy than 99.9% of the people i know.  and that's because they are forced to put everything in jesus because they have next to nothing. their resources for necessities for survival may be lacking, but still they are joyful. i don't ever want to forget their pure and raw love for jesus that is so rare here in america, it was beautiful.


i think about all the dumb things that put me in bad moods, all the conveniences that we have that are really just distractions, the privileges that i had growing up and continue to have as a college student in america, the fact that my parents never couldn't afford to put a meal in front of me or put shoes on my feet and how i am so incredibly thankful but frustrated at the same time. why me and why not them?


i am still trying to process everything and am praying that the lord will continue to reveal these things to me.  but i am still kind of numb. numb because i dont really know where to go from here. part of me wants to pack up and go. i dont know where but somewhere. somewhere without distractions where my love for jesus will be pure. because i dont feel like it is. but then i have to be rational and realize that the lord has put me here in raleigh as a student and a young life leader for at least the next two years and i can't lose sight of that [even though there seems to be next to no motivation for school currently] who knows where the lord will take me in two years but for now i am here in raleigh. and striving to have a pure heart only for jesus. [it will probably take me a while to figure that out]   


i am forever changed by the haitians and i dont think that i really expected that. i think i expected to bring joy to these devastated and poverty-stricken people. to go, to help and bring smiles to their faces, and then return home. but quite the opposite happened. in the midst of their poverty, the smiles on their faces and the joy was already there and i realized it was missing in me. 


please continue to pray for haiti and if you ever have the chance to go, you should. then you will most likely understand why it is too hard to put into words.


-han

settled.

our lives have finally slowed down since we got back from Haiti. we were able to run last week a little but we will officially start back on schedule today. my body is settled and going through the motions of everyday life in raleigh but my heart and mind are still wrestling with what the Lord is teaching me through our trip to Haiti.

i could say it was life-changing, and that would be true but it wouldn't do it justice. i really had no idea what to expect when we arrived in port au prince. i'm glad i had no expectations. without them, i was able to take in everything that was going on around me without any preconceived notions about what "should be". i could go through where we were and when we traveled and the tasks we did but that wouldn't cover it.

what we did, really, was assist Haitian YL leaders in building relationships with people in the communities where they do ministry. we loved kids, teenagers, YL leaders, and older people in the community. they knew we were with young life and so when we left, the hope is that they would continue to go to YL. kids would be outside of our house calling our names or saying "hey YOU" in order for us to come and play from the time we woke up to when we went to sleep. they loved us and we loved loving them. one thing that was hard was when they would ask us for stuff. literally, every single item we were wearing. that was a struggle. we wanted to be able to give them everything but we couldn't (we needed clothes to wear) but more importantly- giving them "things" was not going to last. it wouldn't satisfy them. i was reminded that material things are simply the glitter of this world but gold is found in Jesus. i was comforted by Jesus' words as he is praying for his disciples before he dies in Luke 17,

'My prayer is not that you would take them out of this world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by your truth; your word is truth.' 

(vv. 15-17)

taking all of the beautiful Haitian children that we fell in love with and bringing them to America and buying them things would not save them. feeding them and clothing them is imperative but even that will not save them. Jesus is the bread of life, only his Gospel can give them hope and save them. poverty in Haiti is cyclic, and it seems hopeless. even feeding 300 kids, like we had the chance to do, praise the Lord, was not enough, as there were people that we weren't able to feed. my prayer for Haiti is that the Lord will rise up more native leaders to minister to those who are without. not without things, but without Jesus. father, protect them from the evil one.

if i had nothing, like so many in Haiti, would i still have the hope of Jesus? in America, we have so many things that numb us to the aching in our souls for something greater. we are blinded to our need for salvation and our desire for real joy that is only found in relationship with Jesus. my need for him now seems greater because there are so many things in my life that can distract me from truth. i want my soul to be awakened to the pure joy that is found in Christ not because he can give me things and bless me but because he is simply, lovely. 

even though they were living in slums, hungry, and half-naked, the kids in Haiti could still smile. they still had joy in the midst of severe poverty. i am clinging to the hope that is behind those smiles because that is something not of this world- mine or theirs.

please pray for Haiti. for people to hear the good news of Jesus. for those in ministry to be kept safe. for those who are hungry to be fed. for kids to be able to go to school. for the cycle of poverty to be broken. 

there will be a day when pain will be washed away, hunger will be no more, and suffering will cease. oh what a glorious day that will be.

Julia

welcome to miami.

Well we made it to miami! woke up at the glorious hour of 4am this morning on maybe 1.5 hours of sleep last night. that's probably why it feels like the middle of the day but its only 10:30. Our flight to port au prince departs around 2 so we have quite a long lay over here so I decided to blog. I am very anxious right now, just about a lot of different things but mainly just because I don't know what to expect. And getting sick is my biggest fear, which seems so dumb. but it is. so I am just praying against that anxiety. and I have a feeling that once we get there, that fear will subside. every aspect of this trip is completely out of my control. I am okay with that. I think. I have no doubt that this will be one of the hardest weeks of my life. But I am confident that the lord is going to not give us anything that we can't handle and I am even more confident that whatever he does give us, it will be nothing short of beautiful.

pray for safety, health, unity of our team, walls to be broken down between us and them, and most importantly that they will see nothing but jesus in us. pray that we will put our comfort, security, and ourselves last this week and that we will put jesus first.

anxious but excited,
-han

"the spirit of the lord GOD is upon me, because the lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to find up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives,and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our god; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in zion, to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that. He may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations." -isaiah 61 1-4

romans 8.28

"and we know that in all things God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8.28

it all began at 9:41 last night. i was on my way to the library when my mom called me to give me my passport information for our trip to haiti. instead, all she said was "Juge (pronounced 'jooj'), your passport expired may of 2010". immediately i begin sobbing. like angry/frustrated/sad/helpless crying. like snot and gasping for air sobs. why hadn't i checked my passport when i was home for christmas break? i've raised over $2,000 for this trip- there is no way i can't go. were supposed to leave sunday morning. short version: i'm flipping out. i turn my car around and go home. i get on the internet and start searching for how to renew passports in emergency situations. nothing. i call courtney (our area director/trip leader) and she tells me to call her sister, who i babysit for, because this happened to them last summer. i call cathy. there is a way.

US Passport Agencies (i capitalized, to emphasize the intensity) are regionally located throughout the US. closest one? washington, dc. i call the dc agency to schedule an appointment through a long and drawn out automated appointment system and there isn't one for friday. next i call the agency in philadelphia. got an appointment for noon. but i need passport pictures. i need my birth certificate or my old passport both of which are in wilmington. so i pack a bag, call hannah, and go to kinko's in between for pictures. i got to kinko's at 10:58. they close at 11. the result?

every time i travel for the next 10 years i will be able to remember all of this with this photo. 

thanks, kinko's man.

i rush to pick up hannah. were driving to wilmington (2 hours from raleigh) to get my passport. at this point, my plan is to drive through the night to philadelphia. as we are leaving raleigh, han presents me with the facts of the matter: we would hit morning traffic, we would risk missing my appointment, and we would get back to raleigh 30 hours before leaving for haiti not having slept. SIKE. reluctantly, i ask hannah to call coco and try to book a flight from raleigh for the morning. note: up until this point, i was refusing to fly. i had made a huge mistake in not checking my passport and was so upset with myself that i just wanted to take things into my own hands and drive a total of 20 hours to fix it. surprisingly, this sounded logical at the time. but, flying was the only sane option.

we made it to my parents' house in an hour and 15 minutes- record time. after snacking, talking to my half-asleep mom, and grabbing more snacks for the road, we head back to raleigh. we got back at 4am. my flight was scheduled to leave at 7:40am from raleigh. i went to sleep around 4:30.

today, i woke up surprisingly energized and went to the airport at 6:30. i thought i had come to the end of the road when i saw the line for checking in. thankfully, i wasn't checking any bags so i went to the very front of the line and checked in at a kiosk. got through security, got some mags, said a lot of prayers, and got on the plane to philly. on the plane, i got to share my story with the lady next to me and she suggested taking the train/subway from the airport right downtown. it's cheaper and faster than a taxi. my thoughts? when in rome, do as the romans do. bring it on subway. after i got off of the plane, i headed straight to the train. i got on right as they were closing the doors. the conductor told me where i needed to get off and how to switch trains. i got a ticket and enjoyed the graffiti scenery on the way downtown. after getting further directions from the information desk at the subway station (after i got off of the first train) i found my way to my second train and got on. when i got off at my stop, i walked up to the street. kind of felt like a movie where "small town girl (even though im not from a small town) gets thrown into the big city". thankfully, the passport agency was only a block away. when i saw the building, i realized this really was an intense government operation. the security seemed more intense than the airport. but the security guard saw that i was from wilmington and proceeded to tell me about all of his relatives who live there and how he visits often. thankful that i could make friends while in philly.

i had to fill out an application for a new passport (which scared me because it made me think there was a possibility they wouldn't be able to do it immediately) and checked in an hour and a half before my appointment. the lady took all of my documents and gave me a number. i waited literally 3 mins before my number was called and then she told me my passport would be ready at 2:30. piece of cake.

i had 3 hours to wait so i hung out in a really cute cafe/coffee shop for the entire 3 hours. i talked to my friends and my parents and my brother, sam and my sister, shaunna. i tried to post this then (it took me an hour to write) but then it wouldn't post and wouldn't allow me to edit. that was the only time i cried today. which, compared to last night, and mixing complete exhaustion into the mix i thought wasn't half bad. at 2 i picked up my passport EARLY and headed back on the subway to the airport. but this time, i ended up at the main amtrak station in downtown philly instead of switching rails underground. scared me a little but i got on my train.

when i got to the airport i had 3 hours until my flight. i ate frozen yogurt and had some lemonade before i fell asleep curled up around my backpack on the ground next to the kiosk. the nice kiosk-working-man woke me up twice to ask me if i was going to manchester, that was a nope, and then to tell me my gate had been changed, which was necessary. when we got onto the runway, we were twenty-eighth in line to leave. TWENTY-EIGHTH. i fell back asleep. an hour later, we were finally ready to take off. i slept the whole flight. sitting up, careful not to touch or weird out the girl beside me and im 100% positive my mouth was wide open the whole time. hope i didn't snore. couldn't find my car when i got back to the raleigh airport. at 6:30 am, i wasn't paying attention to what level and row i parked in (another travel lessoned learned). okay so i lied before, i cried then too, just a little, because i was looking for my car in a parking deck where everything looked the same for 30mins. but two times in one crazy day? i'll take it. i literally said outloud "Lord, help me find my car. i'm tired, and we've already gotten this far today." two seconds later i was standing next to my car, only to realize it was mine by clicking the lock button and hearing it beep. God is good.

lesson learned: check the expiration date/travel documents months before a trip. bigger lesson learned? God is bigger than travel plans, anxiety, fear, pride, anger, tears (violent sobs), driving at 3am, sleep (or lack thereof), flights, scary places, government policy/procedure, and money. the money one was huge for me. that's why i was reluctant to take a flight in the beginning- because it would be so much. but what i realized today was that in the grand scheme of things, it will be taken care of and it's not the end all be all. people loved me so well today with tweets, FB posts, texts, and prayers. 24 hours later, i can say that i am glad i went through this. this was nuts. but it's an epic story.

what's an even greater story is that in 27 hours i will be waking up to travel to haiti with some of the most beautiful people i know in order to share the most beautiful news i know- the good news of Jesus. in the midst of tragedy, hopelessness, and fear we get to enter in with the greatest warrior on our side. my prayer is that the people we come into contact with within the next week would experience God's healing power and mighty strength in a way that i can't even begin to wrap my mind around. it's going to be a battle. but i will hold fast to the fact that our hearts are battleground that Jesus has already won. i pray that we fight hard spiritually and that our bodies follow. after all, i've learned lately that physical pain and exhaustion are relative when accompanied by hearts that are in just the right place.

"and the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever, Amen." 1 Peter 5.10-11

needless to say, we didn't run today. but we will be running six tomorrow.
pre-haiti post soon to come,
Julia

ps: i wouldn't hate having another friday in philly in the near future. minus stress and exhaustion. plus some good friends.

obessed.

we ran 5 yesterday. it sucked. yesterday was the first day that i really wanted to quit. i wanted to cry on mile 2, maybe even 1. but we finished it. i know that there will be good and bad days, yesterday was bad. hopefully april 30th will be a good day, i have a pretty good feeling it will be.

me and julia leave on sunday with a small group of yl leaders for haiti. please pray for us this week at we spiritually prepare our hearts and minds. 

i will leave you with this video/song that i am currently obsessed with. the lyrics are my prayer.

[there's no place i'd rather be than here in your love. set a fire down in my soul, that i can't contain, that i can't control, cause i want more of you God]

thanks for reading, praying, supporting. love y'all so much
-han